Jason was gracious enough to take our three boys to the White Sands National Park so I can have some quiet to write this blog. And also, my back is being persnickety again, so walking in loose sand and sledding down the dunes sounded like potential torture. I have made and remade the bed, topped off the cat’s food dish, straightened rugs, washed the dishes, reorganized the medicine cabinet, curled my hair, switched storage containers around, filled my water bottle, moved the heater closer, and then straightened my hair back. There’s nothing left to do in this RV of solitude other than sit my procrastinating butt down at the table and write about our last couple of weeks.
I couldn’t write my blog two weeks ago. I couldn’t do much of anything two weeks ago. I fell into a deep, despairing mentality that I couldn’t get a grip on. My analytical brain couldn’t get my emotions and physical body to cooperate as one, healthy unit. I knew, truly, that I was just in a bad mood. A funk. Edgy. Critical. Then all that angst, frustration, anxiety, and desire to change my mindset fell away and I was just… Empty. Burdened with everything and nothing. Needing to scream out, but the energy to speak weighed too heavy. Wanting to enjoy the hikes and games, but was too busy battling back tears with no purpose behind them. I was so tightly wound in my head, struggling to get back to me, to flip whatever switch went out, my body was exhausted. I put one foot in front of the other through each climb or outing, but all I wanted was to go to bed, find sleep, and hope it was all better in the morning. Days went by. I hit my head on a cupboard for the hundredth time since living in an RV, but this time it became such an unbearable pain that I cried, got myself together enough to go into the bathroom and cried again. Hard, sobbing tears with no sense of reasoning behind them. I read books, prayed for answers, took vitamins and supplements, forced myself into the exercise with the hikes, soaked in the sun’s warmth when it came out, sat alone hoping to silence the darkness I couldn’t shake. Jason wanted to talk, to help, offer a fix, but it’s hard to express your needs when you can’t even muster the strength to speak more than a “No, thank you.”
No magic pill was found or switch flipped back on, but eventually, I found myself climbing out of the depths and back into the world I have chosen and love dearly. I tried to describe the slog of emotions, or lack thereof, to Jason a couple nights ago. I didn’t need fixed – just heard. And he did that for me. He is strongest when I come up weak. He held this family together and reigned in his frustration that I’m sure he had to be feeling. I’m grateful for him. For his resilience and patience when I need it most. He gets me. Even when I don’t get me. For better or for worse.
So to wrap up the last couple of weeks of adventures and putting my selfish pity party aside, we put a lot of miles on our newly purchased hiking shoes…
We hiked through the Seminole Canyon State Park in Texas where we went right along the edge of the Rio Grande with Mexico right on the other side. Certainly not the Mexico that we’re familiar with (i.e. infinity pools, pina coladas, and sandy beaches oh my!), but more of a rainy, dreary, fogged-in cliffside. But there were petroglyphs we were able to see through Bear’s binoculars!
Next, we trekked the Lost Mine Trail of the Chisos Mountains in the Big Bend National Park. The Mine remains lost, but the views were breathtaking. The climb and elevation change also took your breath away. Boys have declared it as the hardest hike yet.
After the grueling eight miles in the Chisos Mountains, Jason let the boys pick the next hike. They chose the Balance Rock hike. It offered more rock-climbing opportunities, and for the boys, that’s what hiking is all about. At less than four miles total, the boys made sure to put up a couple extra miles with all the boulder climbing and adventuring along the way. The road in and out from the trailhead proved too much to bear for our car, and Jason found himself in another life lesson teaching moment as he and the boys changed a tire on the side of the dirt road.
We moved on into Carlsbad, New Mexico and ticked off a bucket list item for Jason: Carlsbad Caverns. Turns out, I should have had it on my list, too, because it was absolutely incredible to witness that wonder of the world. The fact that it was found by a curious 18-year-old that saw a hole in the ground after thousands of bats flew out is preposterous. Imagine being his mom? “Hey Mom, there’s a huge hole I can’t see the bottom of, I’m going to build a makeshift ladder and climb down, ok?” Absurdity. But we’re all glad he did because that place was a top 10 moment for sure.
While we weren't hiking, we took in a self-guided tour through the Alamo (Fun fact, the voice of an angel Phil Collins is a huge supporter, donor, and advocate for the Alamo's history and museum); we avoided sure catastrophic damage by switching out our bike rack hitch on the RV before it completely broke at the hinge, tumbling our bikes onto the hood of our car while in tow;
and we experienced the dig site of the huge discovery of multiple mammoth remains at Waco's Mammoth National Monument (truly unreal the size of those intact bones!).
I think that pretty much catches us up. We arrived in Tularosa, NM yesterday afternoon. After seeing billboards building up the spectacle for 100 miles before getting here, we had no choice but to go witness what Pistachioland was all about. It was worth the visit! We knocked off a couple gifts from our long Christmas list for family and got ourselves some yummy treats as well. Not to mention the giant pistachio that was beckoning us for a photo-op.
On our way to touching the world’s largest pistachio, Jason told us all last night that he saw a sign about puppies in the bathroom here and he’s getting out in front of it – NO, we will NOT be leaving here with a puppy. But now I’m sitting in this empty RV staring out the front window to the park owner’s private residence across the lot. There’s puppies. Happy, frolicking puppies. I think puppy loves is exactly what this girl needs.
So here’s to letting the light back in; to leaning in, and not away from, the ones you love most; and to slobbery kisses making everything better.
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